Coming Out Day 2018; Learning to Let Go and Still Love - From an LDS Mom

Kerry and I had such dreams for our little family of six.

But, they were our dreams...not the dreams of our children.

We were the parents of four young children under five years old when the last one was born.  For several years, our lives were filled with broken sleep, lots and lots of diapers, lots and lots of bottles, more diapers, more bottles, and an awful lot of scurrying.

And, we laughed a lot.

Thank goodness there were years filled with laughter, for there were some times that were also filled with tears.  Raising a family brought me to tears so many times; both from frustration, and from joy.

But, the one thing we wanted our children to know is that they were wanted, and that they were very, very loved.

Very.  And, that there was nothing that they could ever do that would cause us to stop loving them.

Nothing.

Fast forward through music lessons, swim meets, tennis matches, dances, and graduations...

A year after our oldest son returned from his mission, I knew that he was gay.  He didn't tell me, and he didn't tell his dad.  I discussed it with Kerry, and one night while talking on the phone with him, I came right out and asked him if he was.

There was stone, cold silence.

"Mom, who told you?", he said.

There were clues that had been there for years, but none of us had seen them.  It's easy to see them now, but we were in the middle of raising this very busy family.  Most of the time I was caring for others, and didn't have time for deep thought.

Over the next few years, our lives ran a gamut of emotions.  It was a roller coaster ride for all of us, including the younger siblings.  Sometimes we tiptoed.  Sometimes there were strong words.  Sometimes there was silence.  

And, we grieved.  We grieved for the daughter-in-law that would never be, and the grandchildren that would never be.

But, there never was a lack of love.

Not once.  Not ever.

That son went full bore into a lifestyle that included heavy drinking and drugs, which eventually led to acquiring HIV, aids, and hepatitis C.  We tried and tried to get him to commit to his health care, all of which he could get for free.  But, he wouldn't.  He was young, and probably felt invincible.

And, we grieved some more.

We grieved because we knew how this was going to end.  And, we were right.  His life ended because of a drug overdose on 21 Dec 2009.  His sick and wasted body fought hard, but wasn't able to overcome.

And, the grieving was the worst we had ever experienced.  It still is.

Then, our youngest son followed the same pattern.  And, though his life has taken a more diligent course, some of the same feelings emerged as we feared the same ending.

But, it's a different world now.

It was only a few years ago that our oldest son was being used and abused by so many.  It was not unusual for us to find out that he had been beaten, robbed, thrown out, kicked to the curb, and was dumpster diving.

And, though this may occur in today's world, too, the chances of it seems to have lessened.  This generation is more loving, and far more accepting than generations before.

And, I am grateful.  

So, even though my grieving is still fresh from the oldest son, and somewhat there for the youngest, I have learned that they must figure out life for themselves; not for the one we had planned for them.  

A few years ago, we stopped to visit our youngest son and his partner on our way to a genealogy conference.  We ate.  We laughed.  We ate some more.  We took photos.  We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

Since then, we attended a housewarming party they invited us to, with the caveat that we would be surrounded by about eighty gay men.  I laughed, and said, "Well, I'll probably be spending the evening alone."

I couldn't have been more wrong.  Kerry and I laughed and talked and connected with these good men all evening long.  There was always a crowd around us, along with the hired chef who was always putting a tasty bite of something from the kitchen in my mouth.

On occasion, I have had non-LDS friends comment that they are so happy we were able to spend time with our son.  That they were really, really happy about it.  Really happy.

Finally, I asked them why in the world they kept saying that.  The answer was, "Well, knowing how your church feels about gays..."

Wait a minute!  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has never told us to shun, or to turn our backs on any person of any race, or lifestyle, or family member.  If anything, we are to open arms and embrace them, and let them know how much they are loved.  One of the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder D. Todd Christofferson, has a brother who is gay.  I read Tom's book, and the thing he states most strongly is the love and acceptance from his family that got him through some pretty tough times.  You can read about him here:   http://www.ldsliving.com/One-Gay-Man-s-Powerful-Journey-Away-from-the-Church-and-Back-Again/s/86366

So, on this National Coming Out Day of 2018, I have some bittersweet feelings.
1.  That I lost a son who never felt accepted by either the heterosexual or gay community.  
2.  That we are living in times where people are free to live and express themselves as they wish; as long as it's not infringing on the rights of others.
3.  That the sweet and gentle nature of a loving God will take all things into account that we aren't even aware of, and that He will make all things right.  I'm also included in that mix.
4.  That if any of my dozens of gay friends are belittled, attacked, or anything like unto it...if I am near, come over to me.  I will not tolerate that happening to you, or to anyone.  I am an LDS woman.  Hear.me.roar.

So, because of my faith and trust in God, I thought I would include some paintings that speak to my heart.  Every teaching by Him, every depiction of Him shows Him with his arms outstretched to us.  He's beckoning to us.  

And, he's asking us to do the same.

He's not standing there with his arms folded, telling us that we had our chance, and there is no more hope.

May we all learn to do the same.

He's there for us.

His arm is outstretched still

I can hardly wait to hold my son again, and embrace him like this.

Facebook Fast 2018 - #4

Day #4 of FB withdrawl...

I'm going to admit that there have been some times that are difficult to stay off FB. I'm not keeping myself off of it totally, for I am contacted quite often through PM and Messenger.

But, I have had some really good experiences, too.

1. The chickens are back. Kerry and I are having a hoot with these pretty little birds! We fed them some more croissants, they got their fill, and they merrily clucked away.

2. I spent more time on my tractor, and I didn't drive it at high speed. This is my favorite month, and as I looked up at my house from the back field, I saw the things I hold dear...my beautiful home, a vivid blue sky, sun shining on the windows turning them a brilliant gold, and memories of my children riding their bikes down the hills. I mowed until the gentle rains began.

3. I took Kerry to the dentist. Normally, I would be holed up in the corner reading -- or scrolling through FB and ignoring those around me, not making eye contact. Not today. I watched a mom braid a little girl's hair, placing beads in it at certain points. I told the little girl her mom did a good job, and the three of us talked until Kerry came out. If I had been buried in FB, I would have missed a beautiful conversation.

4. I talked with my neighbor, whose father just died. He lived beside us in a different house. It's hitting her pretty hard, and I'm grateful that we had those moments to talk and grieve together.

5. I sent in four more updated handouts and continued working on PP slides.

6. I didn't kill any more spiders, but I saw a woolly bear. Those little worms have always fascinated me.

7. I talked with my son this afternoon, and another one yesterday. Daughter called while we were driving back from Kansas City. It's always good to talk with my children, and there's never a time limit.

8. I talked with Kerry as we were driving around town today, and did not hold my phone to my face checking for messages.

9. I wrote two pages in my journal.

I guess the bottom line is that I am not reporting to you...I am reporting to me. I am making a course correction that I honestly didn't know I needed. I've been missing a lot of the world while I've been buried on my phone or computer.

And, I've missed some opportunities to talk with some really wonderful people.

So, while there may be those who scoff at this challenge, I am not. I'm balancing myself out.

Facebook Fast 2018 - #3

Day # 3 of FB withdrawl...

I am slowly becoming a more disciplined person. And, I like what I see.

1. I'm not going down the FB rabbit hole.

2. I'm not so concerned with what people had for dinner. Well, sort of. I do like seeing what others have put together, and I do like recipes.

3. I have made meals that took some thought, instead of throwing something together.

4. I updated four handouts.

5. I continued working on new PowerPoints, and updated two others. It is so hard to craft the very first screen.

6. I had meaningful conversations with three friends and two of my sisters, including the one who took a hard fall on Saturday.

7. My dishwasher has broken, so I washed a mountain of dishes by hand. And, I actually found it quite soothing. I never did before, as I usually had four young children around me. But, staring out the kitchen window at the beauty of autumn with my hands in warm water just felt good.

8. Kerry and I laughed. And, laughed some more.

9. I killed two more spiders.

10. I fed six chickens croissants. We have no idea where these chicken came from; however one day about two weeks ago I thought I heard a chicken clucking. The next day I heard it again, and saw one walking around our deck. Today, I heard Kerry gallop to the kitchen and announce that they were under the azalea bushes. Before long, he and I were feeding one golden chicken and five black and white speckled chicken croissants. They got their fill, and kept marching around.

11. I read three more chapters of scriptures.

I am seeing more of the world and reconnecting with good people as I do this "FB fast". It might not be right for you; but, it's right for me.

Facebook Fast 2018 - #2

I'm doing an evening check-in on FB after a very busy 24 hours.

And, they have been good! And, yes...I have received some PM's with some comments about me limiting FB for ten days.

I am not blind.

But, by limiting FB, let me tell you what I was able to do:

1. Respond to some of the several of the dozens of emails that have just been sitting in my inbox.

2. Send in handouts in a goodly time, instead of waiting until the last minute.

3. Fill out contracts, instead of waiting until the last minute.

4. Answer an email from a dear, sweet reader of my Reminisce column. She has been trying to find the father of (?), and I sent her links that would point her in the right direction. I actually found him, but I wanted her to have the joy of discovering him.

5. Answered several questions that came in on the FB pages I am administrator of. I also posted helpful links to them.

6. I talked with one of my sisters three times. She suffered a bad fall early Saturday morning, and I'm quite concerned about her.

7. I began assembling the PowerPoint slides for several new presentations coming up in the next year.

8. I read from scriptures.

9. I killed two spiders.

I'm going to come right out and say that if I had been horsing around on FB today, I would probably not have gotten several of the above things done today. Sometimes I wait too long, then scurry.

However, I am not influenced by bullying. And yes, I have experienced some of that today, too. It didn't work with me when I was younger, and it won't work with me now.

So, I can close my eyes today having had what I consider a successful day.

Tomorrow...my tractor!

Facebook Fast 2018 - #1

My wonderful Facebook friends...

I have been humbled as I have received and read the outpouring of congratulations from hundreds of you from around the world. You have each made a meaningful time for me even more remarkable as you took the time to send your beautiful thoughts to me.

Now, I will join with hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of other LDS women around the world and participate in a ten day "fast" from social media. We received this counsel last evening during the women's session of #LDSGeneralConference, and I am accepting the challenge.

Now, what this means for me may be somewhat different than for others. I will be still be on FB for work, as I search through the many genealogy groups I belong to. Many contact me through FB, and I will continue to be available for that.

But, I won't be doing is mindlessly scrolling through messages when I could be doing better things with my time.

Although...the food posts may still scream out to me.

So yes, I will still be on here, but it will be with a purpose. And, I will report to all of you if I emerge from this a different person than when I began.

Again, I thank you all for your beautiful messages to me during this past APG-PMC conference. I'll see you all in about ten days...

A Tender Birth One Hundred Years Ago Today

It was one hundred years ago that a sweet baby boy came into this world in the desert land of Nevada.

This baby boy would one day become the father to Mr. Kerry, and a beloved father-in-law to me.

I can think of few men who I have loved and admired more than this man. He made me feel welcome the moment he met me. He assured me that Kerry and I were made for each other, despite the fact that we grew up on opposite ends of the country.

We visited his birthplace in Preston, Nevada this summer. I was struck by its barrenness, and how his mother must have felt looking out at the desert as they welcomed another baby into what would become a family of twelve children. I found some sunflowers that were blooming close to where the house of his birth would have stood, and even found a cow posing just for us.

How appropriate, since Orson William Lauritzen was a dairy farmer, and a CPA.

He would have eleven children of his own. And, like my own father, did his best to raise a good family by setting the example of a Godly man. He was one of the most righteous men I've ever known.

His grandfather, Peder, was the original one who joined the LDS Church in Denmark, and would emigrate to the United States. Upon reaching Winter Quarters (near Omaha, NE), he would continue to lead his family on by joining with the handcart companies who walked to the Salt Lake Valley. They eventually would settle in Sanpete Valley in central Utah.

Kerry bears a strong resemblance to his father, as does our oldest son Peter. I often told Peter that if he lived long enough, I would know exactly he would look like as an older man. Sadly, that won't happen.

So, I wish a happy heavenly birthday to Orson...the man who taught Kerry and his brothers how to treat women with the utmost respect. He did it by counseling them, and by setting the example.

Love you, Orson!

Son, Peter...son of Kerry...son of Orson...son of Peter...son of Peder

Orson William Lauritzen

Orson's parents; Peter Lauritzen and Mary Loanna Terry

Orson Lauritzen - probably in his early 20s

Peder Lauritzen, father of Peter, grandfather of Orson.  He originally joined the church in Denmark and walked across the plains with the handcart companies.

Orson's father, Peter.

Kerry, looking a lot like his father.

Kerry, looking like his father.

Our son, Peter

The Influence of Just One Man

Friend Clarence Baughman passed away while we were traveling through the west.  I found out on Facebook, and my mind began thinking about the 25+ years that I had been friends with Clarence.

I met Clarence first through the work Kerry and I did through the Boy Scouts of America.  He was a merit badge counselor, and had served in a number of positions throughout the years, just as we had.

I had an awkward encounter with him at the YMCA when our children were little.  We were all swimming, and I was standing in water up to my shoulders with my legs far apart.  I suddenly felt something "whoosh" through my legs.

It was Clarence!  He swam through my legs and popped up in front of me, exclaiming a loud, "Hi, Peggy!".  I nearly died!

 Clarence was a poor man.  He owned a bicycle, and thought nothing of traveling for miles and miles and miles on that bike.  It was only means of getting around.  At one point, there had been a complaint about it being unsightly in downtown Mansfield, so the police confiscated it.

At his memorial service, it stood proudly with bouquets of flowers decorating it.

A gentleman sitting at the piano warmed my musical heart with beautiful renditions of well-beloved hymns and songs on the piano at the Episcopal Church.  

 As a musician at my own church, I always save funeral programs.

 And, because I have amassed so many of these programs and bulletins, I have gone back through them all and made a note of how we knew the person, and our relationship to them.

Some day, when we are dead and gone, my family will probably be going through all of those programs, perhaps wondering how we're related to them; when actually there was no relationship at all...other than friendship.

Clarence's funeral was held in the beautiful Episcopalian Church in downtown Mansfield.  I had never been in there before, and was astounded at its beauty.

But, there was something that astounded me even more.

This small man, about the same height as me at 5'3", only riding a bicycle the majority of his life, sometimes homeless, had affected the lives of hundreds of people.

Leaders from several different churches and agencies downtown wondered how they were going to find enough people to replace all that Clarence did.

1. He was always there to unload food trucks that delivered food to those in need.  He would often stand out in the rain and cold to flag down the truck, who might be looking for the right place.
2. He helped to keep order as people lined the hallways waiting for the food.
3. He always made sure he was the last one to eat.
4. If someone came in late, and Clarence was standing there with the last plate, he would give it to that person.
5. He gathered up the trash after every public event.  It was something few people volunteered to do, and Clarence was there first, and stayed late.
6. He collected hundreds of pounds of cans to turn in for cash, which would then be donated to the Ronald McDonald house in Columbus.

Clarence made an impact in so many people's lives.  Yet, he "appeared" to be one small, scruffy man who always took a back seat.  

Because of his service to so many, I have no doubt he was welcomed into heaven and embraced with open arms into the One who loved him more than anyone.

God bless Clarence.  There aren't many like him...